Today was sucky, in the most positive way. The last moment that I felt somewhat peaceful was this morning when I did a quick yoga session after breaky. Then all hell broke loose. Literally.
Yesterday I said that the floodgates of tears had been opened. I was not exaggerating at all. At intercession this morning, I cried for Europe. What the heck? Why am I all of a sudden more passionate about revival in Europe than in Canada? I love Canada. Who am I? I guess God is giving me a heart for Europe. Oh man. What is planning for me. I don't even want to know.
But all of this crying may also be due to the fact that I am PMSing and that I have forgotten to take my happy pills for about 3 days. Or maybe I am just having a psychotic break. Somehow all of these possibilities are more comforting than the alternative - God is tearing out my heart and exposing all of the sensitive bits so that he can heal them. And you know how that works... things always get worse before they can get better. Great.
After lunch I was just so overwhelmed by the chaos inside of my head that I burst into tears. I couldn't figure out why. It was like an anxiety attack. I didn't know why the heck I was crying but I ran off to the prayer room to see if I could find out. I sat crying in the prayer room for a while, but crying was not helping anything. The only thing that it was accomplishing was producing a sufficient amount of snot and tears to completely wet the carpet underneath of my face.
But eventually I got mad. I got really mad. And I started to scream. And scream. And scream. I don't know how many times I screamed, I lost count. The amount would be equal to the number of times a person can scream in about 30 minutes without passing out from lack of oxygen. So do the math.
At first I was scared of what other people might think if they heard me. Mostly they would think that I was dying a gruesome death. But I was really hoping that no one would come to try to save me, because I might use them as a punching bag. Lucky for everyone, they all decided not to come check on me. But Anne did hear me from our cottage. I think she was a bit freaked out.
I had to pause my screamfest to go do work duties. I got to weed. That was pretty satisfying. I pulled out some big nasty weed roots. I imagined that this is what God is doing inside of my heart. No wonder it hurts so much.
After work duties I went back to the prayer room. But this time instead of producing screams, I somehow came up with a decent song. Yay. Day one of songwriting challenge - complete. A few of us have challenged ourselves to write one song per day for the rest of DTS. This might be hard. But good.
Man. I am tired. To sum it all up, I realized that I have a lot of anger inside of me that I have been suppressing. Carly has been a good sport all day and has given me about 3 one on ones throughout the course of the day. Man, I am needy. The kitchen did not do such a good job on feeding me today. For lunch I had 'soup'... but it was more the consistency of baby food. It was greeny orangy puke color and tasted a bit like pea soup but way worse. I had about 3 bites. And for supper I had a rice dish with wayyy too much lemon pepper seasoning on it... and then the guys at my table started talking about possum meat. I couldn't finish that either. At least I might lose a few of the pounds that I have gained here if they keep feeding me like this!
Also, I would like to apologize to anyone that I told to "Go away" or "Leave me alone" today. I just did not need comfort. Yes I was crying. But not because I was sad. I was crying because I was EXTREMELY ANGRY. Don't feel sorry for me. I am working it out with God. But I love you all anyways! And a big thanks to Matt for sitting beside me and not saying anything. That was really nice.
Someone gave me an encouragement note that said this:
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest" Matthew 11: 28
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