This morning was super awesome! I got to be on the worship team with Noemi, Katherine, Hannah R and Henk. It went so well. God was totally there. Woot. I got to lead Joy again, and this time I was not being such a hypocrite. And then the Uke made an appearance! Yay. I was so excited! Also, if anyone can think of a good name for lil' Ukulele I will be taking suggestions. And it was kind of funny because I also used the base's guitar, and my Uke is the miniature twin of that guitar. So cute. Like a happy little family.
And then the Heart Transplant began. Heart Transplant is the theme of this week.
I will give you
a new heart and put a spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone
and give you a heart of flesh. – Ezekiel 36: 26
It is being taught by the cutest little lady in the world. Last night, before she was here, staff Matt told us that she is 100 years old and runs every day and is really awesome. Two of those descriptions were quite accurate! She is 100 and is really awesome! Hahah, just kidding, she is only 63 and she does run every day. Man, I would give a lot of things to look as good as her at 63... actually I would give a lot of things to look as good as her right now! Her name is Goldie Gibson. She is SO CUTE. And she is so inspiring.
When she was 23, God told her that she would one day marry. She has still not married to this day, but she still has faith that one day her husband will come! She doesn't have any natural children either. She had to lay that down for the Lord, he actually forced her to lay it down for her because she ended up having to have a hysterectomy at one point. She had to mourn the fact that she would not be able to have children, but this helped her to identify with God more. Because through her longing for children, she can understand God's longing for us, and for us to be returned to Him! So now she works to fulfill these desires of God. Wow. She just blows me away.
I already know that this week is going to change my life. It is all about got replacing the heart that I have now, which is hardened by various things (it is stone), and it will be replaced by a heart of flesh, one that is open and vulnerable. TERRIFYING.
She told us that if anyone has any questions or prayer requests or just wants to chat to come see her after class and she will hang around until midnight if she has to, so that everyone can have a chance to be ministered to.
I felt like I had to talk to her. I didn't really know what I wanted to talk about, but I just went up to her and said that I wanted to talk. She asked how my past week has been. I sad "Bad. I have been struggling with unbelief and with knowing that God is with me. I feel like there is something blocking me from hearing Him clearly, etc." That was enough for her. From those few words, she deduced that I have walls up around my heart. I am constantly disappointed, and I make excuses for my feelings... like "I shouldn't feel this way," or "This is silly," or "I am stupid for feeling this way," etc. And I dismiss my disappointment. I even mask it with sarcastic comments and jokes to shield my heart from the disappointment.
Wow. Talk about hitting the nail on the head.
While she was telling me these things, she would stop on occasion and ask how I felt. I would say "I feel like you are hitting the nail on the head." And she would say, "No, how do you FEEL? Do you feel anything in your heart?" I would say, "Ummmm, no I don't think so..." And she would say "Did you notice that you were not breathing that whole time that I was talking?" .... "Oh."
Throughout our chat she pointed out my lack of breathing numerous times. Holding your breath can be a way of spiritually blocking the heart, to protect it. So when you are vulnerable, or scared, or attacked, etc. you might hold your breath to protect your heart from being hurt.
She had her face within kissing distance of my face. I was uncomfortable. No wonder I couldn't breath properly. She also told me to unclench my jaw a few times. Man, I guess her intimacy and the truth of her statements made me tense and a bit vulnerable.
Her eyes were locked on mine the whole time. And she started to tell me that our spirits were connecting... "Our spirits are connecting... breath! Let me in... keep breathing or else you will block my spirit... etc." And then I spontaneously burst into tears. Apparently her spirit said something to mine that made me a bit emotional. Then she gave me a hug and prayed for me.
She also gave me an assignment. I am to draw a picture depicting my heart, and the shield that I use to block my heart from disappointment. On it I am to include all of my shields and all of the things that have ever disappointed me ever.... Oh man.
Apparently her spirit did some work on mine, because when I was writing my CIR (my journal homework thing) so much stuff was coming up that I had previously ignored/suppressed. And then at supper I had a one on one with Carly, and random stuff about friendships from the past and disappointments in friends started to come up.. and you guessed it, I started crying again.
I never cry. I hate crying. It makes me feel weak and vulnerable. But I guess that is the point. Goldie broke something off of me this morning, and I have a feeling that this week will be filled with tears.. But good tears! I'm actually kind of excited! Yay!
But today was so intense that I now am so behind on homework. I am supposed to be writing a mid-school report summarizing my experience up until now. I am going to write it in blog form, so be excited! Any of you who have trouble keeping up with my daily posts will be able to get caught up! It should be up in the next couple of days!
God Bless!
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