The Lordship of Christ

Bula!!! (This is Fijian for Greetings!)

Funny story from this morning: During worship this morning, Henk dropped his pick into his guitar and started shaking it to get it out, in the middle of worship. It was awesome. But Schnegg saved the day and got him a new pick.

This week is on the Lordship of Christ. I am so excited for it!!!

“He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him” – Colossians 1:15-16

Mark Parker is teaching us this week. Last night when Johanna told us about Mark, she described him as an old man who is very opinionated and we will either love him or hate him. She said that he WILL offend us and he will probably swear. Johanna learned what the words 'pimp' and 'pubic' when he taught on her school. 

The first thing this morning, 50 something year old Mark blasted Be Still by the Killers as loud as the speakers would go and started dancing around the room. Woah. Hilarious. These are the lyrics of the song:

Be still
And go on to bed
Nobody knows what lies ahead
And life is short
To say the least
We're in the belly of the beast

Be still
Wild and young
Long may your innocence reign
Like shells on the shore
And may your limits be unknown
And may your efforts be your own
If you ever feel you can't take it anymore

Don't break character
You've got a lot of heart
Is this real or just a dream?
Rise up like the sun
Labor till the work is done

Be still
One day you'll leave
Fearlessness on your sleeve
When you've come back, tell me what did you see
What did you see
Was there something out there for me?

Be still
Close your eyes
Soon enough you'll be on your own
Steady and straight
And if they drag you through the mud
It doesn't change what's in your blood
(Over chains)
When they knock you down

Don't break character
You've got a lot of heart
Is this real or just a dream?
Be still
Be still
Be still
Be still

Over rock and chain
Over sunset plain
Over trap and snare
When you're in too deep
In your wildest dream
In your made up scheme
When they knock you down
When they knock you down

Don't break character
You've got sooooo much heart
Is this real or just a dream?
Oh Rise up like the sun
And labor till the work is done
Rise up like the sun
Labor till the work is

Rise up like the sun
And labor till the work is done

The main thing I got from the song is that I need to keep on labouring until God is done His work in me! And He will probably never be done. I think that since I am in the isolated little world of YWAM it does feel like it is just a dream. But this is real. God is real. And he will still be real when YWAM is over. I need to wake up. The last 3 or so weeks I have been asleep. I haven't actually spent time with God or prayed in a long time. This morning was the first time in so long that I actually talked to Him in weeks. 

And I think that it is because I am angry with Him. I am mad at Him for making me go to Fiji on outreach. I have been trying to put on a happy face and have a good attitude about it, but I just don't want to go. I would rather go home to Canada than go to Fiji on outreach. I don't even know why I feel this way, but I think that it is partially because the school leaders made the India and Asian outreaches sound so much better than the Fiji ones. It seems like all of the 'strong' and 'spiritual' and 'good' people get to go to those places and the left over rif-raf weak people just go to Fiji. And I think that I have been letting this idea get into my head and I have gotten offended. I feel like I am one of the losers here and I am not good enough to go to India and it pisses me off. It's like people think I am weak or something. I am so not weak. And I am so mad. And I find myself resenting everyone that gets to go to India.

Ever since I found out which outreach I am going on I have shut off. At the beginning of the school, I threw myself all in and I was going all out for God. After I found out that I am one of the losers going to Fiji, I gave up. I didn't care anymore because I felt like if I am not good enough for India then I am not going to bother anymore. 

But today Mark Parker woke me up. He yelled "WAKE UP!" and I woke up. My spirit woke up. And I started to let myself feel these feelings about outreach that I have been trying to suppress and trying to pretend aren't there. All of the lies I was trying to tell myself that I am glad I get to go to Fiji and stuff. And I remembered what Goldie taught me so many weeks ago, to just feel and let God bring you THROUGH your struggles. You can't just avoid them and expect them to go away. 

Today in outreach prep we did affirmations. All anyone says to me with regards to outreach is that 'our team would not be the same without me' and that 'the team needs me'. And I am really frustrated with always hearing this because no one ever tells me why! Why would the team be different without me? Why do they need me? Because honestly I don't feel like I have a place or a role in our team. I am just the awkward one with no real identity in the team. I am just there. And I feel like the team would be just fine without me. I don't understand why they are saying that the team needs me. It's like they are just saying this to make me feel like I need to be there because they know that it would not be different without me.

Today I got mad when they said it again. So I asked Sarah to have a one-on-one with me after outreach prep. And I asked her why the team needs me and what role I play on the team. She said because you are Steph and you are unique. Great. Why does everyone keep telling me that I am unique? What does that even mean? That I'm really weird and don't really fit in? Ugh. I asked her how they decided to put me on this team. Apparently God has a plan for me. Whoop-dee-dooo. I am so sick of God's plans and Him keeping them a secret from me. He is such a little schemer. Why can't he just tell me a little bit about why he is sending me to Fiji, or what I am supposed to do after I am finished my DTS... or anything for that matter? Oh God. What a guy.

But despite the fact that Sarah didn't really have any answers about my role on the team, we did have a good bonding moment. I cried. She said that it is good to see me broken. I said how many times to I have to be broken? Apparently it will be a lot. Every time God tears something out I think that that will be it. But it is most definitely not it. It sucks. But I guess I need to get a taste of my own medicine every now and again. Just today I told Beth that I am so glad that she is broken right now and that God is working in her. But the reason I am excited when I see others broken is that I know that something great will come out of it. So I guess I just need to listen to my own advice. It sucks taking your own advice.

I am excited for getting to know Sarah more on outreach though. I know that we will be able to lean on each other while we are there. I am sure that we will have many more talks like the one tonight where we just cry to each other and support each other. I know that she will become a good friend and I am so excited for that! She is so wise and I will need her encouragement and her friendship as I struggle through outreach.

After Sarah left, the girls of cottage 5 were wondering what I was crying about. Since we have no secrets here, I had to tell them. And I am glad they did, because they can see things about me that I can't. They can see why I am on this team and why my team needs me. And I guess that Dave has told me these things too, just not in girl language... Dave has said that I will be a rock and that I am a rock for this team. I didn't really understand how or why and whatnot, but the girls explained it well. Everyone will lean on me. And I guess it is kind of true. We have a lot of young ones on our team. Beth, Van and Hannah are all still teeny boppers and I can see them leaning on me. Out comes the Mother heart of God again. I just really don't want to be motherly. I don't know why, because mothers are so important, but I just don't want to be a mother. I want to be mothered. But alas, God always pushes you and forces you to grow in ways that challenge you. So I will be Steph the rock and mom. Bleh. 

I can see Sarah and Leish leaning on me too in a way. Jacob will be there for my comic relief so that I don't get so stressed out by all of the craziness around me. And Dave will be my rock. It is so weird because he is only 19, but I look up to him so much. He is so strong and so stable and so wise. I will need him so much during outreach I think. Our team is a lot of emotional crazies who get swept up by the spirit and all of the crazy stuff going on, but Dave and I are the two that will be able to bring everyone back down to earth. I can see us just sitting together somewhere quietly and not talking, just being comfortable with each other, while everyone else is jumping around and crazy. I am excited to get to know Dave more too! I think we are very similar people. Well, I hope that because I want to be like him!

Anyways, got to go to bed because Carly will be jumping on my bright and early and dragging me to morning prayer so that I can fight it out with God!