It was suggested to me that maybe instead of posting my feelings on the internet for all to read that I should find one person that I can trust to confide in. That way I can get feedback and support. But in response to this suggestion I would just like to say that I don't write my feelings on my blog so that I can get feedback and support. That is not the point of my blog. Although I do receive a lot of prayer support and feedback from both my close friends and people that I don't even know, which is so awesome and so appreciated! But that is not why I write. I write because I hope that other people might be touched by the struggles that I am going through and have overcome. And I know that there are people out there that have been affected by my experiences.
Some blog entries may highlight the more positive parts of the day and some may highlight the negative parts of the day, depending on the day. I don't want to paint YWAM as a place that is filled with lollipops and daisies and unicorns pooping out rainbows, because it is not. But I am sure that you have noticed that. I also know that you have noticed that YWAM is not a place filled with darkness and gloom and witches cackling over cauldrons of green slime, either. Because it's not.
YWAM is a place for people to come if they are ready to change their lives radically to follow God. And when people commit to a DTS they are not just signing up for a fun time in another country. They are signing up to get their heart cracked open, and big fat dirty roots of sin to be dug out. It is not a pleasant experience when it is happening, but in the end the person is better off.
Maybe my posts in the past few days and maybe even weeks have been a bit down in the dumps and that is because God has been at work in my heart. It is not because I hate YWAM and want the world to know what a horrible place it is. I actually think that it is quite splendid and I think that every person should do a DTS in their lifetime.
A couple of days ago, I voiced my feelings towards going to Fiji for outreach. I was having a tough time accepting that I was supposed to go to Fiji because God never told me that I was supposed to go there. He had, however, told me that I will go to India in my life. So I connected the dots and thought that now was the time. And since God did not tell me his plans about Fiji, I questioned my placement on the Fiji outreach team.
And obviously it is not the 'losers' that go to Fiji, but the way that the teams were presented and referred to over the course of the past couple of months sort of gave that impression. And it is probably just because all of the outreach locations are so different from one another. They told us that the people that will be sent to India will have to be really physically and emotionally and spiritually strong. They told us that the people that will be sent to Asia will have to be extremely spiritually strong and good at spiritual warfare. They did not say anything about what qualities are needed to be sent to Fiji. So, naturally one gets the idea that all of the leftover random people get lumped on the Fiji outreaches. So forgive me, and many of the other students, for making this assumption.
My suggestion for future schools is that Fiji should be advertised as being more exciting, because then people will want to go. Fiji is the main focus for outreach locations from this base. There have been outreach teams being sent from here for decades, I think. And there has been huge success and amazing things that have happened there. So if students were told right off the bat how amazing and exciting and special Fiji actually is, and what all of the challenges will be and how students will be pushed there, then there would not be an under-riding false belief that the 'losers' get sent to Fiji.
I am a person who always wants a challenge. So, personally, took my being sent to Fiji as meaning that I am not physically, emotionally or spiritually strong because I didn't get put on one of the other outreach teams. And I got a little bit upset because I am actually a really strong person and I couldn't believe that people couldn't see that in me. And then I was told that I didn't get sent there because of my dietary restrictions. This made me even more mad because it makes it seem like God was not even consulted and that they didn't even consider sending me anywhere but Fiji. And the fact that God had not confirmed to me personally that I should go to Fiji made me completely mistrust the people who placed me in Fiji.
So I am sorry if I reflected this ministry in a bad way. That is not what I meant to do. I was just going through a bit of a struggle and I voiced my opinion. And, as I have stated many times before, it is purely an opinion. So please take it as such. It is not a statement that I am claiming to be true in any way. It is simply how I feel, or how I have felt.
Two days ago, I told God that if he did not confirm to me, personally, that he wants me to go to Fiji that I would go home. Because I truly did not feel called to Fiji, and I did not have a heart for Fiji, and it is costing me 3 000 dollars to go there. So, if it was not meant to be my outreach location I was willing to save my money and do something purposeful to God. It was not because I wanted to rebel against the people telling me to go to Fiji. It was simply because I did not feel that I was being called there by God.
I had never even heard of Fiji until I came to New Zealand. I had heard of Fiji water, but I didn't actually know if Fiji was a place or where in the world it was. I apologize for being ignorant about the islands all over the world. I think the only ones I could actually name on a map are Hawaii and Prince Edward Island. I don't even know anything about the other islands off of the coast of Canada, and I actually thought that New Zealand was to the north of Australia before I actually came here... so please don't take it personally. I guess I should look at a few maps.
Anyways, today was called 'Tabernacle day'. Ever since the beginning of the school the staff has been talking about how awesome Tabernacle day is, but they would never really say exactly what it is. Today I found out. It is a day that represents the ancient Tabernacles that the Jewish people had. The tabernacle consists of 3 'stages' or 'rooms' or something like that. The first is the outer courts, the next is the Holy place (or something like that) and then the Holy of Holies. In the old testament, the holy of holies was where the Holy Spirit was, and a priest was the only one who could go in there. The tabernacle was a place where God could meet with his people. But now, the tabernacle is represented by our bodies. The body is the outer courts, the soul is the inner, and the spirit is the holy of holies where we actually connect with the Holy Spirit.
It was such a big day that I know that the enemy was fighting against it, especially in me. All week up to today I have been pretty much knocked out with a migraine. It was a 10/10 on a pain scale for the majority of the week, and I spent a lot of time in bed. And coincidentally not a lot of time with God. I was also struggling with the whole Fiji thing, and I got in various forms of trouble for my outspoken nature and I was feeling quite offended and I really unwilling to put in any effort or to open myself up at all. And one thing about migraine pain is that it makes me super super grumpy and super super mean. So I was really being attacked by all of these things. But I did manage to fight them off and make it to Tabernacle day today, much to the enemy's dismay.
So Tabernacle day was designed to take us through the tabernacle and into the presence of the spirit. It was an all-day event. It started at 9 am and I think it ended at 11 pm. We started off by entering the courts with thanksgiving. We brought items to praise God with. Then we gave up burnt offerings and Sin/Guilt offerings. Then we were ready to enter the 'holy of holies' and we just worshiped and prayed and it was pretty awesome. We prophesied over each other too, and took communion. It was amazing actually, not just pretty awesome.
Schnegg brought a ladder as a tool to praise God with. So, any of us who chose to could climb up the ladder and be 'closer' to God in order to praise him. I went up the ladder. It was cool. And then I got to jump off and everyone caught me. It was terrifying and fun, but it really hurt when I hit their arms. I'm surprised I didn't break someone's arm.
I had a lot of trouble coming up with offerings to bring. I was in a sour mood and really didn't feel like giving anything up to God. But this morning he did convince me to bring a few things to consecrate. One was my degree. I really don't like my degree much, and I have been really against actually using it in the future. But when I was joking about how I would actually like to burn it, it dawned on me that maybe God might want to use my degree. So I laid it down for him, not in a sense of giving up Neuroscience but in a sense of giving it to him to do with as he pleases. I also laid down my creativity and the creative gifts that he has given me, especially writing and song writing. And I gave him my passport. To symbolize my identity as a Canadian. Because I often get offended when people think that I am American or assume that Canada is the same as America. But I laid it down, so I can no longer be offended by that. I also gave my passport to show God that I am willing to go anywhere for him. That was hard, because I knew that it might mean Fiji... I also gave up my favorite thrift store item - my old lady michelin man winter jacket. This was because I sort of do define myself by my clothing and my style.
I also had this weird feeling that God wanted me to sing Janessa the song that I wrote for her again. So I serenaded her. And it confirmed something for her in her life that is SO significant. Man. So cool. I cried.
And then God decided to confirm something in my life. When Tiff was consecrating things, she pulled out a blue piece of folded fabric, and I knew that it was for me. She unfolded it and revealed that it was a sulu from Fiji that says 'Bula Fiji' on it. Which means 'Live Fiji' or 'Life Fiji', and she said that God had told her to give it to me because I will bring life to Fiji. Oh God. You make me so mad. So I guess that is confirmation enough for me. I knew that laying down my Passport was a bad idea! (That was a joke, by the way).
For the sin/guilt offering I laid down so many things. A big thing for me was my pride. I want to humble myself before the Lord, and to die to myself. And yesterday when I was talking to God about what I would be offering tomorrow, it crossed my mind that I should cut my hair because I really like my long blonde hair and I do take pride in it, in a way. But I really didn't want to, so I made a bargain with God (Bad Idea!!). Elisa has beautiful long hair that is basically to her butt, so I didn't think she would cut it. I told God that if Elisa cut her hair, I would cut mine. Let's just say Elisa cut her hair for God. Oh pooh. So I cut my hair as a sin offering for my pride. It is short.
Yeah man. It is a shoulder-length bob.
I also am kind of possessive of my things and of my food. I am greedy and don't like to share. A while ago I bought a pack of 10 nail polishes from K-mart. I was hoarding them in my drawer and not letting anyone use them. So I gave them all away as a sin offering for my possessiveness of my things. I also gave my vanilla coke away to Matt as a representation of my food. And then, just to nip this non-sharing thing in the bud, I decided not to give my Tim Horton's coffee grounds away, but to keep them for myself and I told everyone that they are welcome to use it. This will be hard, because it will still be 'mine' technically, but I will have to share it with them. And it is my precious.
I really didn't want to, but I laid down my desire for a husband. I realized that I often idolize romantic relationships to the point that I desire one more than I desire a relationship with God. So I gave it up to God and told him that I will chase him to the ends of the earth and not a boy ever again. And if one day he chooses to give me a husband then I will gladly accept. I also laid down shame, and lust and unbelief. The other day, the speaker had used an example for shame as being shameful of picking your nose and then eating it too. So at one point, one of the guys got up and confessed that he always picks his nose and eats it, but that he will no longer be ashamed. And then about half of the students got up and confessed to the same thing! Omygosh. I had no idea that people actually do this. I have never done that (usually I pick-it and flick-it or pick-it and stick-it under a table or something)! But I was wishing that I had done it so that I could go up there and say it too!!! Hilarious.
But it was definitely a productive day! And this evening was so beautiful. Just being completely cleansed of everything and in the presence of the Spirit. It was so cool. I got the gift of tongues too, which is so weird. But I wanted it all along, so yay! Finally! I also received a few prophetic confirmations. We did an exercise where we had to prophesy a word over a person without knowing who we were prophesying over. Elisa had me. She got the word 'mother'. In the past couple of weeks I have been really accepting the mother-heart-of-God gifting that I have. I was in denial about it for so long, and really wanted nothing to do with being a spiritual mother. But I have been accepting it lately and it has been awesome and then Elisa said that to me, which I thought was really cool. And then Schnegg brought be his after-shave bottle and told me that it represented my fragrance - because I am a beautiful fragrance for God (and hopefully not because I smell like a man). And the aftershave also represented a man and that I will one day have a husband. That was quick. God didn't even make me wait a day before he gave my husband back to me. Cool.
Anyways. It is so late. I have to sleep now! Gute Nacht!
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