It has pretty much been a year since my journey at YWAM "ended". It ended in the sense that I got to leave Matamata behind forever, and the people too - at least I had hoped. Even though there were positive things that happened to me there, all I seem to be carrying with me are the bad. I wasn't allowed to post in my blogs about any of it, so I don't know if anyone really realized that I was dealing with some pretty awful stuff. At least 'awful' in terms of my heart and my spiritual growth. And by that I mean things preventing me from growing spiritually, and hardening my heart towards God and the people that were with me at YWAM.
Today I had the pleasure of talking to one of the few people that walked with me through that time and didn't leave me bitter and full of hurt. And today was the first time that I really was able to talk about what happened to me a year ago. I have been too upset to even really think about that last months of my DTS, when I left that place I was filled so full with anger that I didn't know what to do with myself, or with my anger. I am no longer angry, but it still hurts me deeply to reflect on outreach and DTS, so I just don't think about it. I have been having so much trouble processing everything that I just shut down and stopped.
When my old friend called on me today, she offered me the opportunity to talk about the way I was treated and how it made me feel. I have to admit, when she first said she wanted to talk about something important I was a little worried that I was going to be rebuked and blamed and potentially told that demons had strongholds in me or something ridiculous (only because that is the only feedback I received during outreach). But I was intrigued, and I was amazed by the things she said to me, she really affirmed me and gave me an apology on behalf of the people that should have been apologizing to me. I guess it was God's way of telling me that it's OK. I am not as evil as I was lead to believe by some of the people at YWAM. And even that I was right in feeling that I was being treated unfairly and even abusively, because I was.
And today I cried. A lot. A lot while I was on skype with my friend, and a lot after, and a lot right now. But they are healing tears. I don't think that I have cried yet about my negative experiences. I yelled a lot, and hit things, and stewed in my own anger, but I have not yet cried. Let me reiterate that it has been a year. I never really realized that those people had truly truly hurt me, I guess I was just masking my hurt with anger, not only hiding it from other people, but from myself.
Now, I am sure that anyone reading this that was not on my DTS might not understand what any of this means, I bet some of the people on my DTS don't even know what this means. But this blog is for me to process my feelings and experiences in an honest and real way. I believe that this blog was a big part of the growth that I experienced in the very beginning of my DTS. But as soon as the 'authorities' took away my freedom of speech, I was no longer able to be real in my writing. I only grazed the surface - the things that happened that day, some funny stories, but never anything to do with my feelings or the things that were happening within my heart.
So I guess what this means is I am ready to process for real. To remember the events that upset me, and come to terms with them one way or another, so that I can return to a full relationship with God. I need to let my heart soften again, even towards the people that hurt me the most. I don't know if that is possible without their apology (but I don't think that will ever happen), I don't have too much faith that they will be able to humble themselves because they were the 'authority' so they were obviously right. (I am sorry, that was snarky, but it's truly the way the leadership behaved, so I am not going to untype it).
I am sure that by re-openning this blog I will offend some people, but that is not my intent. My intent is to be real and honest in the way that I feel and the way that I remember things or see things. So beware that the following posts will be uncensored, so if you don't want to hear it, don't read it. This is for my spiritual wellbeing. Maybe forgiveness will come, maybe healing will come.
Yes, friend-that-I-talked-to-today - you can pat yourself on the back <3
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