Questionable Authority

I am trying to put my finger on the one general occurrence that hurt/upset/angered/etc. me at DTS. It is really hard to pinpoint any one thing, even generally, because there were so many, but the one that I have been ruminating on today is the leadership that was lacking at my YWAM base. I think that the leadership was very much corrupted by selfishness and pride, which blocked some of the 'authority figures' from doing God's will, and lead them to do their own selfish will.

I keep thinking about a particular person from my favorite summer camp who was/is an outstanding leader. Let's call her Bops. And I keep comparing the staff and director of my DTS to her, and I can see why I was so upset during DTS. Bops spends every summer (and a good portion of the rest of the year) dealing with people who are, for lack of a better term, nineteen-and-useless. This is a term we used at camp to describe counsellors who were 19. When you turn 18, you get to be an adult. When you turn 20, you don't have to be an obnoxious teen anymore. When you turn 21, you are legal pretty much everywhere (especially Las Vegas). But when you turn 19, what are you? Useless.

The whole nineteen-and-useless thing was kind of a joke, but also kind of totally and completely true. Generally, the first-time counsellors are 19. And generally first time counsellors are a bit useless until they get the hang of it and mature a bit. I think back to my first summer at camp, when I was 19, and the rule definitely holds true for me.

Anyways, Bops spends all summer every summer mentoring and guiding these useless 19 year olds to become useful leaders who can take care of children and teach them useful skills. And every summer she succeeds. She succeeds because she leads with such grace and love. She is still the boss, and knows when to put down her foot. But she is also a friend and willing to be hilarious and have the funnest times. She has the amazing ability to push you in the direction of growth and maturation without actually commanding you to do anything. She is completely fair in the way she treats everyone, no matter how annoying they are. And she is so forgiving, and never holds mistakes against anyone. She might joke about it, but she won't hold a grudge or use ridiculous punishing tactics.

So, I learned to lead from one whom I am proud to say is an amazing leader, and Bops is the standard that I hold myself to, and others as well. Unfortunately, the director of my DTS was not as gracious and loving as Bops, and she liked to rule with what I like to call TOTAL CONTROL. Or in other words, a totalitarian dictatorship. Everyone had to submit to her rule, and any question of her authority was means for dismissal, or more likely, an exorcism. Even if she was being unfair, or if she was trying to shove some unbiblical teaching down your throat and claiming that it was the word of God. Really, not much in common with Bops, except that we will refer to her as B, and Bops starts with B. But don't get the two confused because there is no relation.

I still can't quite figure out the reason that B had such a vendetta against me. I hope that vendetta is the right word, I don't actually know what it means. It just sounds right.

BAHHAHAA I just looked it up on google and this is what popped up:

ven·det·ta

venˈdetə/

noun

1.

a blood feud in which the family of a murdered person seeks vengeance on the murderer or the murderer's family.

Pretty accurate.

HAHA obviously I am joking. (That Canadian sarcasm coming out that is apparently such a sin, I apologize..... Not. Oh Sarcasm, how I love you). But B did pursue me with the bloodthirstyness of one that had been thoroughly offended, and she did try to force her beliefs on me in a very non-loving way. A way that could almost be described as abuse. She repeatedly called me into her office, always finding little things about me that needed to be broken off by prayer. At first it was fine and I was open to it, but after a while it just got exhausting and felt like she was tearing me apart completely and didn't feel right. She even called me to her office because she heard that I had read Harry Potter and therefore had decided that I had an obsession with the occult. Ummmmmm, no. That was the final straw. No more 'prayer' allowed.

All joking aside, I think that she was offended because I did question some of her teachings. And she saw it as rebellion against her authority. When in reality, I am just a person who questions everything and researches new ideas thoroughly before accepting them as correct or as part of my beliefs. And I am especially questioning when it comes to matters of faith and christianity in general. It's just the way that I am. And it is healthy to question things, that way you can be sure that you don't get sucked into anything sketchy.

I really just wanted to be sure that I was getting the biblical truth, I didn't want to 'rebel against authority' or whatever. And B did teach a few things that were her extrabiblical interpretations, and I did not accept them simply because God is the ultimate authority, and the bible is the source for His word, and His Word did not corroborate B's. However, I did consider her teachings deeply and pray and read scripture to come to a conclusion before accepting or rejecting anything. And this was the reason that B picked on me so much, at least that is the only reason that I can think of for her unjust treatment.

So, in conclusion of this thought stream, I think that B's treatment of me, and her use of her position to manipulate and oppress and even abuse, was the center of most of my resentment. So I get to work through that now. Awesome. Stay tuned, or not. Whatever. I don't mind.

First blog post in almost a year... and the start (or continuation) of a journey

It has pretty much been a year since my journey at YWAM "ended". It ended in the sense that I got to leave Matamata behind forever, and the people too - at least I had hoped. Even though there were positive things that happened to me there, all I seem to be carrying with me are the bad. I wasn't allowed to post in my blogs about any of it, so I don't know if anyone really realized that I was dealing with some pretty awful stuff. At least 'awful' in terms of my heart and my spiritual growth. And by that I mean things preventing me from growing spiritually, and hardening my heart towards God and the people that were with me at YWAM.

Today I had the pleasure of talking to one of the few people that walked with me through that time and didn't leave me bitter and full of hurt. And today was the first time that I really was able to talk about what happened to me a year ago. I have been too upset to even really think about that last months of my DTS, when I left that place I was filled so full with anger that I didn't know what to do with myself, or with my anger. I am no longer angry, but it still hurts me deeply to reflect on outreach and DTS, so I just don't think about it. I have been having so much trouble processing everything that I just shut down and stopped.

When my old friend called on me today, she offered me the opportunity to talk about the way I was treated and how it made me feel. I have to admit, when she first said she wanted to talk about something important I was a little worried that I was going to be rebuked and blamed and potentially told that demons had strongholds in me or something ridiculous (only because that is the only feedback I received during outreach). But I was intrigued, and I was amazed by the things she said to me, she really affirmed me and gave me an apology on behalf of the people that should have been apologizing to me. I guess it was God's way of telling me that it's OK. I am not as evil as I was lead to believe by some of the people at YWAM. And even that I was right in feeling that I was being treated unfairly and even abusively, because I was.

And today I cried. A lot. A lot while I was on skype with my friend, and a lot after, and a lot right now. But they are healing tears. I don't think that I have cried yet about my negative experiences. I yelled a lot, and hit things, and stewed in my own anger, but I have not yet cried. Let me reiterate that it has been a year. I never really realized that those people had truly truly hurt me, I guess I was just masking my hurt with anger, not only hiding it from other people, but from myself.

Now, I am sure that anyone reading this that was not on my DTS might not understand what any of this means, I bet some of the people on my DTS don't even know what this means. But this blog is for me to process my feelings and experiences in an honest and real way. I believe that this blog was a big part of the growth that I experienced in the very beginning of my DTS. But as soon as the 'authorities' took away my freedom of speech, I was no longer able to be real in my writing. I only grazed the surface - the things that happened that day, some funny stories, but never anything to do with my feelings or the things that were happening within my heart.

So I guess what this means is I am ready to process for real. To remember the events that upset me, and come to terms with them one way or another, so that I can return to a full relationship with God. I need to let my heart soften again, even towards the people that hurt me the most. I don't know if that is possible without their apology (but I don't think that will ever happen), I don't have too much faith that they will be able to humble themselves because they were the 'authority' so they were obviously right. (I am sorry, that was snarky, but it's truly the way the leadership behaved, so I am not going to untype it).

I am sure that by re-openning this blog I will offend some people, but that is not my intent. My intent is to be real and honest in the way that I feel and the way that I remember things or see things. So beware that the following posts will be uncensored, so if you don't want to hear it, don't read it. This is for my spiritual wellbeing. Maybe forgiveness will come, maybe healing will come.

Yes, friend-that-I-talked-to-today - you can pat yourself on the back <3